Do not be afraid to ask questions:
If you’re here to learn then you must have questions, question everything, have an inquisitive mind, and look beneath the surface for your answers. But, in my opinion, the most important questions to ask are those you ask of yourself.
Before I took to writing these posts, I hesitated, I had a problem, at some point I knew I would be writing about unconditional LOVE, but there was someone in my life that I deeply and passionately hated. How can I tell anyone to strive for unconditional Love when all the while there is someone I hate, how do I change this? How do I even begin to want to change this? I was very comfortable with my hate and felt deep down this is what they deserve, this is what they have earned, and this was their Karma. I had to ask myself some very deep personal questions. 1) Do I even want to change this? 2) If I eventually decide yes, I need to forgive and let go of the hurt and pain, HOW do I even begin to do this?
In my personal quest to find the epicentre of existence, I’ve been forced to deal with who I am, to dig into the nitty-gritty of my own personality and character. I’ve asked myself many questions, and through the answers to these questions, I’ve gotten to know myself on a much deeper and more profound level. But what stops us from examining ourselves?
Why did I feel suicidal, to the point that I researched and planned out exactly how I would switch myself off? I have reached the point of suicide twice in my life, in 2003 and 2018. It was only after seeing a counsellor in 2022 that I was given the diagnosis of clinical depression and Complexed PTSD. At first, I laughed, this was comical to me because I am not a soldier and have never been to war, but the counsellor dug into my past and helped me discover abuse I shut out and covered up. Abuse from my past was not present in my conscious mind, however, the scars were present in my subconscious mind, in my heart, and soul, my symptoms of depression were the only way my Soul could let me know deep down my heart was hurting. I’ve come to understand depression isn’t a weakness, but a sign. I was faced with very serious questions that needed answering if I was to heal from trauma and depression.
Life is all about the “life experience” we have on Earth. Some experiences will scar us, inspire us, make us laugh, make us cry, and some will break us, damage us, heal us and make us whole again. But at every stage in life, we must have the ability to question what is happening, and we must possess and maintain the ability to keep moving forward no matter what. We are each on a bespoke journey from the womb to the tomb, and life is actually what we make of our circumstances and situation. You will either make things happen for yourself, watch things happen to yourself or wonder what the hell happened. By asking the right questions, and seeking the answers you can make a difference in your own life.
These are a few of my questions, but make your own list of questions bespoke to your life and circumstances.
What motivates me? In my deepest hour of depression, I couldn’t open my eyes, let alone get out of bed. So I needed to find motivation just to get up and face the day.
What inspires me? I needed to be mentally stimulated, when death and dying is the strongest desire, what could possibly inspire me to remain on Earth another day?
What do I dislike about myself, and why do I dislike this? Overcoming self-hatred can be an impossible task, yet, finding the ability to laugh at my weaknesses, and accept I have some great attributes, listing them down, reading them, and believing them helped a little bit.
What am I afraid of? I don’t fear death and don’t fear God, and don’t fear the eternal fire of hell so I had a difficult time answering this. My biggest fear for a while was waking up tomorrow. Understanding this helped me understand my apathy towards life and responsibilities.
What makes me want to live? In the depth of my depression, Nothing.
If there is nothing that makes me want to live, What COULD make me want to live? I want to live in a world of peace, where people genuinely loved each other and cared for each other, where the quality of life was prioritized over and above everything else.
What would be my dream life, what does it look like, feel like, smell like, taste like, sound like? For this, I had to learn to step into my imagination and let my heart express itself. I painted a mental picture, and I committed to myself to keep coming back to my imagination and keep painting this mental image, every single day. I now know what my dream life looks like, feels like, smells like, tastes like, and sounds like, I hope you know what yours does too.
Do I believe my dream life is possible? When you have nothing left, and all you have is the dream in your heart, what harm is there in “believing,” what is the worst that can happen? you are left in the situation you are now in. But what if just as you imagined so it became in the world around you?
Do I believe the Intelligent Designer of existence desires me to achieve the desires of my heart? At first, I hoped, but now I know, yes.
If not why not? When life feels like Hell I doubt.
Could I be wrong about God? Fortunately, we have eternity to get this right, GOOD NEWS!
Don’t be afraid to examine yourself, to know yourself, and accept yourself warts and all. This is the putty you are going to work with to mould into the person you desire to be, but you must be willing to look deep into the mirror and don’t be afraid of who and what is looking back at you. Be brutally and ugly honest about how you feel and how you see life and yourself.
In my personal quest, I discovered the Creator was with me every step of the way, moulding my outer world according to my inner world, and through trial and error, father/mother Love has been teaching me how to mould better. Look at your life, how have you been moulding?